Choices

Today I was browsing Myspace, and happened to look at the status feed where I saw some of my old music buddies, who I now hate, with brand new profiles that look super professional. You see, I used to be in a Hip-Hop group with three other guys. Let me be more specific, a Christian Hip-Hop group. You can see why me becoming an Atheist was a problem. Anyways, after I left the group, I asked for the money that I had lent the group in order to record. They turned me down profusely, and showed themselves to have very low character in my opinion.
Anyways, seeing their new profiles caused a quick relapse of nostalgia within my bones, and even a quick stab of jealousy. While I'm here in my budget home studio trying to get my voice right and attempting to learn how to mix and produce, my old group takes a visit to Los Angeles, wins a local radio contest, and gets their profiles done professionally. I know all of this is really a matter of money, but it makes me angry.
Here I am, an honest College student trying to find himself in life, struggling between Agnosticism and Atheism, fighting self apathy towards a shitty world, attempting to better myself through higher education, working my ass off at a fast food job, and simply not doing what I want to do as well as I know I can do it; which is music of course.
Every time I start a song, or an album, or purchase a beat, I end up throwing it out. If you are a musician yourself you know what I'm talking about. That dire need inside of you to express yourself through an instrument or vocals or poetry. And many of you probably experience what I'm experiencing as well (assuming the two of you that read this write music or lyrics); within an identity crisis it is hard to create music. Currently I am unsure about my self-image so I have no idea how I want my music to sound, or an album cover to look. I have no idea what the subject matter of the album should be. Should I be intelligent? Should I be dark? Should I create a party album? Should I be extremely lyrical at all costs? How can I combine these styles? Which ones should I combine? Of course, all of this becomes overwhelming and exasperating, which is why at times I feel like giving up. And yet, I know I won't.
I say all that to say this. I go through an extremely soul-purging process to create my music. I put blood, sweat, tears, my heart, mind, everything I have into my music. My old group couldn't give a shit about any of these oh-so-important-factors. They make music to sell it, and that's it! These clowns create the poppiest most radio-sounding unoriginal garbage the can, solely for profit! When I initially joined the group, we didn't care about money, it was all for Jesus. Nowadays, it's rare that they even reference their Lord and Savior on a track! And if you had the oppurtunity to hear them talk, you would know what lies behind their motives. "We're gonna be rich, you just watch, just watch, we're gonna be millionares, we're gonna drive around in Benz's, you just wait and see, we're gonna share the stage with Kanye West, you wait, you wait."
To be honest, I was still a Christian when I left the group. I ended up leaving for several reasons. The first was their creative motivation; it was money. Second, was their dwindling respect for their original purpose, and the facade they continued to carry. Third, was their disrespect for me in several situations. I was tired of being the "fourth man" of the group. I was always the least important, always looked down upon.
And so you can see how it angers me, six months after leaving such a corrupt group, to see them having success, and to imagine that I could've been apart of it. Scratch that, I don't want to. As a matter of fact, even if they do become millionares I don't think I would have changed my mind. My integrity is worth more than a million dollars. You simply can't put a price on doing the right thing.